A visit from Tara Noir
by Radar-rox
Summary: The zooniverse gets a visit from Vince's little sister.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: all characters (except Tara), places etc owned by Noel and Julian, not me. Same goes for any other songs/movies/tv shows mentioned or quoted from.**

'Howard! Great news!' Vince Noir, came rushing up to Howard moon, clutching a piece of paper. His pointy-featured face beamed as he flapped the letter in Howard's face. 'Howard! I got a letter!'

'You pulled me out of a Jazz trance just to tell me that? You get letters everyday – from Brain Ferry, from Mrs Pellum, from that psycho who tears up Wheatabix packets looking for Charlie books…'

'No, no, this is important! It's from Tara.' Vince looked at Howard expectantly.

'Tara?'

'Yeah.'

'Oh.' Howard nodded. 'Whose Tara?'

'She's my little sister!' Vince exclaimed. 'She's great, I haven't seen her in ages. Not since we went on holiday and got lost in the Crisp Labyrinths of Pakadoo. We had to eat our way out. Great.' He smiled.

'When's she coming?'

'Uh… what's the date today?'

'The twenty-sixth'

'Right, uh…' Vince counted on his fingers. 'Tomorrow!'

'Tomorrow? That's a bit short notice isn't it?'

'Well it was posted last week! She said she's been up in Scotland, it only just got here!'

'Scotland? What was she doing up there?'

'What she does whenever she's anywhere.'

'Which is?'

'Aw, it's great. She drives around the country selling paintings and dispensing herbal remedies.'

'Whose paintings does she sell?'

'Whaddya mean whose? Hers! She got a B at A-level art!' said Vince, adding 'She would've got an A, but she's crap at evaluating.'

'Interesting' replied Howard, looking decidedly un-interested in the politics of A-level art. 'So is she going to be staying in your room then, that is if she can fit in with all the wardrobes…'

'Nah, she'll be happy on the sofa.' Said Vince matter-of-factly. He and Howard had now reached the lemur enclosure and begun cleaning it out.

'On the sofa? You're gonna make your little sister sleep on the sofa? What sort of gentleman are you?'

'Howard, mostly she sleeps in the back of a van, I think she'll be alright..' replied Vince, sticking his tongue out the corner of his mouth.

'If you say so. Put your gloves on will you? Remember last time?'

Vine winced. He did remember. He glanced at the scar on his hand, the result of a nasty lemur bite, as he slid his protective gloves on. In contrast to Howard's ordinary-looking green ones, Vince's had been customised so that they now had so many patches, sequins and badges on that it was hard to see that they were gloves at all.

Glaring ruefully at the beautiful gloves, Howard said 'It was your fault y'know. After you kept going on at them about their fur- '

'It wasn't my fault! All I said was that they had great looking tails, but the rest of 'em was a bit boring… I only offered to help 'em out a bit, make them a bit more interesting! Y'know, a little dye here, a few velvet patches there… I even made them these gloves look, to jazz up their paws.' Vince produced a set of gloves from his pocket, remarkably similar to his own, only on a smaller scale.

'Vince, it's evolution, not a fashion statement! You-' Howard was interrupted by the lemurs leaping like.. leaping things at the miniature gloves in Vince's hands.

'Aah! Get off, ya psychos!' Vince screamed, waving his arms violently around in the hope of dislodging the creatures.

'How dare you insult us with your sparkly paw-shields!' one of them hissed.

'Oi, they're called gloves, alright? And they're gonna look great, just give em a chance!' This only enraged the lemurs further, causing Vince to back into a corner and cower as Howard grabbed the lemurs off of him.

'Get out of here!'

Vince ran out of the enclosure, still bent double, and headed towards Naboo's shack, hoping that he may be more interested in lemur gloves and the arrival of Tara.

**Well, there you go, the first chapter, hope you liked it. The next chapter may be a while because I've got exams all this week, so revision unfortunately takes priority, but be patient and stick with me ok?**


	2. Many many introductions

**Yeah, well, who needs A-levels?**

The next day, Howard and Vince were walking around distributing seed (Vince's favourite job), discussing be-bop. At least, Howard was babbling on about it, whilst Vince's thoughts went something like this: _oh my god, he's talking about jazz again. The only reason he likes it is because he thinks it'll make Gideon like him, because he's an intellectual… doesn't he know girls don't like that? Not cool girls anyway, cool girls like bright colours and sparkles and guys that are funny, not boring intellectuals. Maybe if he just sorted out his look a bit – I could do that for him, get him some flares, some boots, not platforms obviously, he's tall enough… _

While all this was going on, Vince had a look of deep concentration on his face, which Howard mistakenly though was directed at him. 'With the emergence of hard bop and modal jazz in the late 1950s and early 1960s-'

_I'd have to have a go at his hair while I was at it though. Maybe if I stopped cutting it in the night, it would grow out pretty soon and he'd be begging for my help.. I don't think a mullet would work, definitely not with that ridiculous moustache, but it definitely needs something for volume…_

'Vince? Are you even listening?'

'What?'

'Have you listened to anything I've said?'

Luckily, before Vince had to answer, there was a shout from the zoo gates.

'Vince, you great ponce!' (see, I told you).

Howard and Vince turned around to see a slim girl of about 18 standing at the zoo entrance. She wore jeans, stylishly torn and patched, and a baggy t-shirt sporting the slogan 'Scumbag College'. A studded belt broke up the ensemble, and short black hair with pink streaks framed an impish face.

'Tara!' Vince cried in return, running over and hugging her. 'Alright?' they chorused together, then giggled.

'Have a good journey? How was Scotland?' Vince asked.

'Ah, beautiful. The lochs were gorgeous, I did loads of landscapes…'

Howard, who had been standing awkwardly nearby, coughed slightly.

'Oh sorry, Tara, this is Howard, Howard, Tara.'

'Tara, pleased to meet you.' Said Howard, shaking her hand.

'You too, Vince talks about you loads. Is it true you used to be a prostitute?'

Howard blushed violently. 'Vince! I told you to stop telling people about that!'

'Oh my god, I was joking!' exclaimed Tara, laughing, while Vince, standing behind her, struggled to stifle his giggles.

Trying to reclaim some of his lost dignity, Howard said 'So you've been in Scotland then? Very interesting place Scotland, did you know for example that Like Loch Ness, Loch Maree has its own monster in the form of the _muc-sheilch_?'

'No, but I went past there, apparently its like the fourth largest freshwater loch in Scotland.'

Vince sighed. _Perhaps some girls do like intellectuals._ But they were all probably pretty crazy, like his little sister. _Why don't I know any normal people?_ Vince thought, as Howard and Tara kept talking.

'Moon! Vince! Get your asses in here now!' a brash american voice yelled over the tannoy. At the sound, Tara had looked around, alarmed. Then, in failing to spot a source for the sound, stared up at the sky, hoping to find some answers there. Instead she saw a bird with the head of a mongoose flying past a cloud shaped like a penguin. Not the animal, the chocolate bar.

'C'mon, we'd better get going' said Howard, and Vince, glad of the break in conversation, which had now evolved into the finer points of trout fishing, agreed.

'Who was that?' asked Tara as they walked.

'That was Bob Fossil, our boss.'

'Charming man.'

As soon as they entered the office, Fossil shut off the Colobos the Crab tape he had been listening to and began talking.

'Right you two beatniks, I need you to WHO THE HELL IS THIS!'

'This is my sister Mr Fossil, Tara.'

'Hi.' she said, waving.

'What do you want, a banana dipped in mustard? I need you two to clean out the furry flipper faced guy.'

'The what?'

'You know. With the claws?' Fossil made a very poor attempt at a mime.

Thinking for a moment, Howard ventured 'The… platypus?'

'Yeah'

While this had been going on, Tara had thought about bananas dipped in mustard. As you do. _I wonder what that would taste like? I mean, it sounds horrile, but then so did quavers dipped in cream egg… and they say you should eat strawberries with pepper, so…_

'GET ON IT!'

Fossil's yell jolted her out of her thoughts, and she followed Vince and Howard outside.

'Howard, can you handle this? I wanna show Tara around.'

'What? No, c'mon, you know it's a two-man job!'

'Can't you get someone to cover for me?'

'Like who? Everyones got food poisoning from that dodgy turnip shipment. We only didn't eat them because you insisted on staying behind to watch the result of the talent show!'

'Oh yeah.' Vince smiled, and said to Tara, 'the lion won with Adam Ant.'

'You do the costume?'

'Course.' A thought struck Vince (a rarity, I know). 'What about Joey Moose? He was judging, he wouldn't have eaten them'

'He's still on forced leave remember? After the photocopier and the giraffe?'

'Oh. Aw, c'mon Howard, please?'

Howard's moustache twitched. 'You owe me.'

'Great Howard, thanks, I do owe ya. C'mon.' he added to Tara.

They walked around talking, and looking at the animals. After a while they happened upon Naboo's hut.

'Hey Naboo!'

'Alright? Hi' he added to Tara

'Oh sorry Naboo, this is Tara.' Said Vince, having already explained to him that she was coming.

'Hi' she said, and he nodded back, smiling.

'How long you down here for?'

'Uh, I don't really know. Until I get kicked out I guess!'.

Vince explained that he and Howard shared a flat with Naboo and Bollo. 'Oh. I guess you'll be the one throwing me out then. Feel free to do it literally, I've gotten quite good at rolling.'

Naboo smiled, then turned to Vince. 'D'you hear about the judging in the talent show?'

'What d'you mean? I was there, Mr Davis won with Adam Ant.'

'Exactly. The Meercats should've won with Fleetwood Mac.'

'Aw come on. Mr Davis was great, he was out there, I taught him how to pull shapes, he had to win!'

'You're just saying that because you did the costume.'

'I did loads of the costumes, I was slaving away on that sewing machine, I stayed up late measuring Barry the Newt for Spandex….'

Tara, who had been examining Naboo's merchandise, pointed to the back of the hut. 'Hey Naboo, how much are those bubbles?' she asked.

'Two euros.'

'Right'. She searched her pockets, then turned and looked hopefully up at Vince.

'What? I haven't got any money, I gave my last euros to Howard to get me some rainbow rice.'

'Oh.' She said, looking dejected.

'Ah, go on, have em.' Said Naboo, handing them over.

'Are you sure?' He nodded. 'Oh, cheers Naboo, you're a star!'

They walked away, a stream of bubbles in their wake, and found Howard lookin disheveled and soaked, like a merangue in a teacup.

'Gordon Benett!' exclaimed Tara, upon seeing him.

'Howard Moon, nice to meet you.' He chuckled. 'Howard Moon… that's one of mine…' Vince and Tara grimaced and shook their heads in an identical manner.

Howard cleared his throat as Tara blew bubbles at him. Waving them away, he asked 'Seen everything then?'

'Not quite, we left the reptile house till last, I thought you might like to join us.' Vince grinned mischeviously.

Howard glared at him like Tesco Water glares at Evian, but nevertheless said 'Come on then.'

As they walked, Vine said thoughtfully 'I haven't heard anyone say 'Gordon Bennett' for a long time.'

'Gordon Bennett, I'm bringing Gordon Bennett back, I go around writing it on carrots and leaving them in offices.'

'That's you?'

They reached the reptile house and went in. 'Ah, hello Vince.' Came the exotically-accented reply.

'Alright Mrs Gideon? This is my Sister, Tara.'

'Hello.' She smiled, shaking hands. 'And you are?' she asked Howard.

'Its me Mrs Gideon, Howard. Howard Moon?'

'uhhh…'

'We've worked together for three years? Last week I saved you from that romp of rampaging otters?'

'Oh.. of course…' she said, without a hint of recognition. Tara gave her an odd look, the sauntered off to look at the python.

Once back outside, they walked towards the hut to pick up a few things before setting off to the flat.

'She's a bit of a cow isn't she?'

Vince hasitly attempted to shush her, afraid of what Howard might do if he overheard, but it was too late.

'What?'

'Well, I'm just saying, you've been working with her for how long, three years? You saved her from some… otters? And she doesn't even bother to remember your name? Just seems a bit self-involved to me, that's all.'

'Yeah, well, she's busy and… shut up!' he finished, stalking off ahead.

'Touched a nerve?' Tara asked apologetically.

'A bit. Don't worry about it.' Vince smiled, shepherding her inside. She looked around appreciatively, and upon seeing the Mick shrine in the corner, smirked and saluted in a strange and exaggerated manner. Seeing this, Vince asked 'Still watching Red Dwarf then?'

'Of course.'

'You've got a telly?' asked Howard.

'Nah, I've got a laptop and loads of dvds.' She replied. 'Where am I gonna plug a telly into a van?'

Vince, now holding a Ben Sherman bag and wearing a pirate hat, said 'shall we go then?', and they headed outside towards the car park.

**Before you say anything, no, I don't have anything against Howard's moustache. Nor is there anything ridiculous about it. It's actually rather charming.**

**I hoped you liked that, apologies to any Gideon fans out there (like there are any) who didn't appreciate her representation here. Just thought I'd put my views across. You may also be thinking 'Quavers and cream eggs? urgh!' and yes, it does sound horrible, but as we discovered on an art trip, its actually rather nice in small doses.**

**I'd just like to thank Wikipedia for the informantion on Be-bop and _muc-sheilch_, and Bex (Sunrise over the Tango Factory) for suggesting Platypus. Also my gratitdude towards The Cure for _Lovecats_, which has gotten my through these hard times, and the makers of rainbow rice. Love those e-numbers baby, oh yeah!**

**Sorry if it's not very funny, I've been trying my best to put some more random similies in there... please review with thoughts and suggestions (and emotional support). Go, my minions, go! xxx**


	3. Journey in the Van of Wonders

**Thanks a bundle of turquoise owls to cookiemunster and FuchsiaII for reviewing so far. **

They emerged in the car park, and Howard immediately spotted what he assumed to be Tara's van. Not only had he never seen it before, it was quite definitely unmistakeable. It was a Volkswagen camper, and seemed to have originally been blue, but many many signs, symbols and pictures had been painted on it that this was now hard to discern.

There were psychedelic waves of colour, accompanied by flowers and stars. There were pictures commemorating where the van (an its occupant) had visited, including Big Ben, the Eiffel Tower, Lands End, The Bristol Suspension bridge, and what Howard assumed to be it's most recent addition, Nessie.

Also, there were pictures paying homage to bands and television shows – the Sex Pistols 'God save the Queen' emblem was there, along with a yellow submarine, a silhouette of a man being struck by lightning, and the infamous Monty Python foot, among others.

_Wow_ was pretty much all Howard could say. So he said it. 'Wow!'

Tara smiled. 'Like it?'

'It's…. crazy'

'Thank you'

Vince, who had been examining the van closely, said simply 'You've got rid of Spiny Norman. And Seth.'

'Nah, I just moved em. Over here.' She said, indicating the other side of the van, where a hedgehog and a psychedelic snail wearing a top hat and sunglasses were located.

'Oh yeah.' Vince smiled. 'S'my favourite.' He said, pointing to the snail before climbing in the front. Tara opened the side door and indicated for Howard to go inside.

'Wow' was once again the word of choice. Every available space was covered – with postcards, posters, sketches, photos, and mini murals. However, aside from the cluttered and ceiling, the rest of the interior was very tidy, so Howard sat down on a small sofa, which presumably pulled out to a bed, and looked around for a seatbelt.

'Oh there isn't one in the back, the paramedics had to cut through it.' Said Tara, glancing at Vince and winking. Howard turned very pale, so Tara, laughing, continued 'Don't worry, I was kidding, I'm actually an excellent driver.'

'Are you quite finished Rain Man? Can we get on, I wanna watch Big Brother.'

'Oh you _don't _watch that rubbish?'

'Its an interesting social experiment!'

'It _was_ an interesting social experiment. Now it's freaks in a house all shagging each other.' Vince seemed about to protest, but she quickly continued 'All right, all right. You're gonna have to direct me though.'

'_I_ don't know the way!'

'What?'

'I take the tram every day, I don't know the way by car!'

'You're joking.' Vince shook his head. 'Fat lot of good you are then. Howard, you know the way home?' she called over her shoulder.

'Yeah, its left up here.'

'Thank you.' Tara glared out of the corner of her eye in mock contempt at Vince, but even as she did so her mouth twisted into a smile. She was with Vince after all. What could be better?

As Howard directed her, she turned on the cd player, but the previous cd had finished playing. _Bummer. _'Howard? To your right, there's a cupboard with a picture of Marilyn Monroe in a top hat on it yeah? Inside there's a cd holder which says 'cds R-Z' on it, can you getout the cd that says 'vintage' please? And,' she ejected the current cd, 'put his one back? Thanks.'

Howard took the cd – _The Zutons – _and replaced it, as there was a loud beeping sound behind them. Looking in the rearview mirror, Tara saw a businessman in a Mercedes gesturing wildly.

'Look at this idiot.' She muttered, then reached up to a line of string leading to the back of the van, where a panel of plywood depicting a hand making a 'V' sign was pulled back against the ceiling. When the string was unhooked, the sign flapped down to the back window, where it could easily offend annoying motorists.

'What's that?' Vince asked, unable to see this spectacle from the front.

'New addition.' Tara smirked. 'I figured it was hard for people to see my, ahem, hand signals from directly behind.'

Howard, who had been examining the walls more closely, asked 'You've been to all these places? Left.'

'Hmm? Oh yeah, most of em, but some of the postcards I just saw and though they looked cool. Which lane?'

'What?'

'The lanes, Howard, which lane?' Vince cried as they drew nearer to a junction.

'Umm…'

'Too late, we're going straight on. Where were we supposed to go?' When Howard had finished directing her back on course, Tara asked 'You travelled far Howard?'

'Oh yes. I've travelled far and wide.'

Vince chortled. 'Far and wide? What do you mean, that long and arduous journey to the Newsagents for _Country Life_?'

'No.' Howard muttered, 'Its delivered' before continuing 'I've travelled ok, I've been around.'

'You've travelled about as far as an organic gooseberry.'

As Howard muttered incoherently, Tara pointed to the glove compartment. 'There's a bag in there for you.'

Always excited at the prospect of receiving a gift, Vince delved into the glove box and pulled out an ASDA bag full of various brands of sweets, all of which were green. There was also an Edward Monkton card – the Haircare Hedgehog.

'Wicked!' he grinned. 'How long have you been saving these up for?' he asked, mouth full of green fruit pastels.

'A fair while.'

Howard looked up as Vince leaned over the seat to offer him a sweet. Vince's solution to any problem was either to feed it a sweet or give it a funky new haircut. Howard then jumped as Tara and Vince simultaneously (and very loudly) joined in with the chorus of _Hi Ho Silver Lining._

When finished, Tara said to Vince 'Oh yeah, I was thinking of doing another channel hop soon, get some shopping done. You wanna come?'

'I dunno. Remember last time?'

'I seriously doubt that's gonna happen again.'

'What happened last time?' asked Howard, sucking on a boiled sweet.

'We were sat outside this café, and this French bloke comes up wearing a pineapple on each shoulder and asks us if we wanted to borrow his cushion covers, so we said no thanks, and he started pelting us with Kumquats so we had to leg it.'

'That is pretty unlikely to happen again said Howard, then pointed to a door just along the road. 'We're here.'

**_From deep within my cup of tea, the Haircare Hedgehog speaks to me, and tells me witha knowing smile, the secrets of a perfect style - _I saw that and thought of Vince (especially with the cup of tea) and had to put it in.**

**Ihad serous writers block writing this chapter, so I'm not very happy with it, butI didn't want to leave it out. But who amI to say how good it is? You've read it, you review it! Go go go!**


	4. Back at the Flat

When Naboo and Bollo had arrived home, having had some urgent Shamanic business to attend to (there was a sale on at 'Turbans'R'Us'), they emerged at the top of the stairs to find Tara, blissfully unaware that she had company, chopping vegetables while singing at the top of her voice.

'… Said you look so fine and I really wanna make you mine…'

'Hi Tara. TARA!'

Her head snapped round, causing her neck to crick. 'Ah!' she exclaimed, rubbing it. 'Hi.' She added, pulling out her earphones.

'Where's Howard and Vince?'

'Um, Vince is in the shower and Howard went out to get… something… well, I can't remember, but he's not here. Garlic and mozzarella chicken alright with you?' she asked, indicating the oven.

'Cool.'

As Naboo walked over to the sofa and turned the telly on, Bollo approached Tara and asked 'You want help?'

'Nah, s'alright thanks Bollo, I got it cov- Good Garden Peas! What are you wearing!'

Vince had returned from his shower wearing full Elizabethan costume, including poofy sleeves and knee-length trousers.

'Like it?' he asked, giving them a whirl.

'You look like a Shakespearian extra.'

'The Elizabethan look's coming back, alright? Obviously I'm not going to wear it all at once – I'll make it more subtle, mix and match, like.'

'You're a crazy person.' Said Tara, returning to her red cabbage, which went by the name of Keith, as Vince went to get changed.

'Has he always been like that?' asked Naboo.

'I'm afraid so. Although, he didn't used to be quite so cutting-edge.'

Vince, in the middle of pulling on a fresh-from-the-sewing-machine customised t-shirt, suddenly had a feeling that something very very bad was happening in the living room. He emerged just in time to hear Tara begin 'One time he wore-'

'Tara! No!'

Sensing imminent danger, she moved around behind the sofa, but nevertheless continued 'this military jacket-'

'Argh!' Vince leapt across the sofa and tackled his little sister to the floor, desperately tried to get his hand over her mouth, but she managed to yell out 'for months after it went out of fashion!'. Now, many of you out there may be thinking, 'so what?' but you must understand, for a fashionista like Vince, it was fashion or death, and more revelations like this could mean the end of him.

Just as Vince let out a triumphant 'Ha!' at finally managing to shut her up, Tara reached down and tickled his side, causing him to collapse in a fit of giggles. She then expertly rolled him off of her and onto his front, pinning his arms behind his back.

'It was due for a quick comeback!' he cried.

'Sure it was. And your predictions weren't always up to scratch were they? Remember that time you thought men's belly tops were making a comeback?'

Vince wailed into the rug. 'No! I've changed! That was the old me! He's dead now! I've reformed!'

At that moment, Howard emerged from the stairs, and took in the scene unfolding before him. Bollo was holding the end of the coffee table, having pulled it away from the fray, Naboo was knelt up on the sofa, looking down at Tara and Vince. She was on top, straddling his back (**I know what you're thinking. They're brother and sister ok? You naughty people!**) and he was wailing loudly into the floorboards, so that the small race of people (known as the Shelfonians) living between the floors were permanently deafened and as a consequence, all perished the next week as Naboo vacuumed the skirting board, where they tended to congregate, being unable to hear the fatal hoover.

'What the-?'

'Hi Howard! Just a little brother-sister bonding!' said Tara chirpily, finally letting Vince up off of the floor. He dusted himself down and returned to his bedroom to finish getting changed, tossing Howard a casual 'Alright?' as he passed.

The unusual spectacle being over, Naboo and Bollo sat back on the sofa and switched the telly on, as Tara went back to 'slaving over a hot stove' as she put it.

A little later, dinner was ready and Tara called them all to the table, and they all began to eat.

'So, Howard' she said 'Vince tells me you're a musician.'

'Oh yes, I certainly am' he replied, looking very smug.

'What instrument do you play?'

'Oh, I'm a multi-instrumentalist, I can turn my hand to any instrument. At the moment I'm experimenting with dual opposing semi-domed impromptu percussion instruments'

'He plays the spoons' Vince chipped in.

Howard glared at him. 'Do you play an instrument?' He asked Tara.

'Not to an extensive degree, but I do like to play the piano, and sing of course.'

'Yeah, but you're not really any good are ya?' Vince said

Tara indicated Vince with her thumb, saying to the others 'The undying support of an older brother.' Turning back to Vince she asked 'Are you saying I have no musical prowess?'

His fork paused on its way upwards, and his tongue poked out the corner of his mouth. 'Not really, no.'

'Oh yeah? Who are you, Captain Clement and his twelve types of custard?'

'I never said you didn't have _any _talent, just that you're not very _musically_ talented.'

'Oh, any you are, are you?'

'I happen to be one of the best up-and-coming front men there is.'

'What band are you in this week then?'

'The Begotten Limpets'

'What do the Begotten Limpets play?'

'….Music…' Tara raised an eyebrow. 'Look, that's not important alright, I'm the frontman, my job's all about image, not about what sorta music we play. But we're the limpets alright, whatever style we are, we grab on and stick to it.'

'You and your image. I only hope there isn't a similar incident as when you were in the Gimcracks.' Vince suddenly looked sheepish. 'Oh, you still remember that then? Haven't repressed it?'

'I had to do something!'

'Vince, you set fire to the bassists wardrobe!'

'Listen, there was no way I was letting him go on stage in that tracksuit!'

'Don't you think it was a little extreme?'

'Maybe.'

Tara smiled nostalgically. 'Good times.'

After dinner, they cleared up, and Vince and Tara taught the others how to play 'Hello Jack', which got steadily more fun the more alcohol they consumed. Howard ended up loosing.

'Bollocks!' he exclaimed, throwing down his cards.

'All right, all right, no need to get testy!' Tara replied, punning like piranha in Peru. Vince snickered as Howard announced that he was going to bed, and Naboo and Bollo followed suit.

'You like that?' she asked, getting up and going to the window.

'That's quite good yeah'

Looking out of the window, Tara said 'Man, I miss the stars. You can't see any stars here, because of all the light. At least you can still see the moon.'

'_When you are the moon… people say you made of cheese… uuh, but the moon is not made of cheese…. I's got a face, is cream… but the moon is not made of cheese. Is all dairy, but… is different… yeah.'_

Vince yawned like a lion whose had a hard day of lying about in the shade, and came home to the den to find that the cubs needed help with long division. Tara watched him and smiled. 'Its nice to be back Vince'

He hugged her. 'Its nice to finally have you. G'night.'

'Night'

**Well, there you go, chapter four. WhenI was trying to think of a way for Howard to describe the spoons,I went on answerbank for help and someone suggested 'mastication facilitators'. Hehe. Masication.**

**Please read and REVIEW! Or I'll come at you like a psycho flowerpot man. And you wouldn't want that now, would you? Really? Are you sure? Well, do it anyway.**


	5. Moomins, mornings and migranes

**Thanks to cookiemunster for her lovely review, even if it did have to be PM'd to me!**

**This chapter was mostly written in bits in the middle of the night, which is why it is a bit segmented.**

At five to five the next morning, Naboo stumbled sleepily in to the kitchen and set about making some coffee. Although he tried to be quiet, he still woke up Tara, who was of course sleeping on the sofa.

'….llamas.' She opened her bleary eyes and centralised her thoughts into a constructive and intellectually challenging mode of conversation.

'Hey Naboo.' Well, perhaps not intellectually challenging. She had just woken up, after all.

'Morning.'

'Morning?' Tara looked around to the window. 'It's dark. Mornings aren't dark, as a rule.'

'They are at five am.'

'Its five am? Oh God.' She moaned, sitting up so that Naboo could join her on the sofa. He put the telly on.

'What are we watching?'

'Oh, nothing' said Naboo, reluctant to reply.

'You got up at five in the morning to watch nothing?'

'Well…' he began, as some oh-so-familiar music started up.

Tara's head flicked towards the TV and her eyes widened. 'The Moomins? We're watching the Moomins? Brilliant, I love the Moomins!'

Oddly enough, after spending a day in Tara's company, Naboo wasn't surprised to hear this.

'When I was young I always liked the little one, whats-her-name, Little My. And Stinky.' She looked back at Naboo. 'I'm drawn to obscure characters. What about you?'

'I like Snufkin.'

They talked for a little while longer, but by the time the programme had finished Tara had fallen back to sleep, head lolling back uncomfortably onto the back of the sofa. Naboo carefully manoeuvred her back into a comfortable position and returned to bed himself.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

'Oi, ya lazy bum, get up!' Vince nudged her shoulder.

'Muh?' Tara opened her eyes to see Vince, Howard and Naboo all standing over her, while Bollo bustled about in the kitchen. Remembering what had happened earlier, she said simply 'Moomins.'

Naboo's eyes widened and he shook his head, not wanting the others to know of his fandom. Vince's face, on the other hand, screwed up in confusion.

'What are you on about?'

Taking her cue from Naboo, Tara changed course to say 'Oh, I dreamt about the Moomins. They were organising the apocalypse.'

'Well come on, you're coming back to the zoo today yeah? We've gotta get going.'

'Get going? I must have at least two hours yet, you're still in your pyjamas.'

'These aren't pyjamas. This,' he said, indicating his silky ensemble, 'is the… comfort.. travelstar.. oh, sod it.' He finished, wandering off to get changed.

Tara shook her head an laughed, and got up too.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

They got to the zoo a little later than planned, as Howard and Vince thought they would be driven by Tara again, (Naboo and Bollo of course took the carpet), but as she hated driving in London ('hate it hate it hate it') they had to take the tram. When they finally arrived, they were ambushed by Bob Fossil.

'Where the hell have you been? The gorillas got out and they're going ape!'

'How did they get out?' asked Howard.

'Uh, well, they, uh..' Fossil hesitated, trying to hide the gorilla enclosure keys and a tutu behind his back. 'That's not important ok? What do you know about the forbidden love between a man and a gorilla! And then the other gorillas get jealous and come at you like a shark on catnip! You know nothing!' Vince, Howard and Tara were giving him strange looks. 'Shut up ok! Get those gorillas back in the cage now!'

After luring the gorillas back into the cages with The Cure's 'Friday I'm in Love' playing on loudspeakers, they retired to the hut for a cup of tea.

'Have you got Kerrang on this thing?' asked Tara, indicating the TV.

'Sorry, just terrestrial.' Said Vince, sitting down and accepting a cuppa from Howard. 'We'll have to listen to Howard's daft jazz records.'

'There's nothing daft about jazz! Jazz was a major musical step forward, ok?' Howard said, putting on a record just to prove a point.

'I quite like jazz.' Said Tara.

'Thank you. I told you, its not just old men in cardigans that listen to jazz, Vince.'

Vince muttered something along the lines of 'musically retarded' as Tara rubbed her head.

'Is it the jazz? Asked Vince. 'I know how you feel – once Howard put his jazz on, I fell into a coma, woke up a week later in Milan, turns out a passing tourist had mistaken me for an oversized toy doll, and packed me into his suitcase for his daughter. I came to and it turns out no-one there was wearing green, it was right out of style, I had to go on a major internet shopping spree, I was to ashamed to go outside, it was a nightmare!'

'No, I just, uh, its nothing.' Said Tara, rubbing her head whilst trying to look like she was very much _not _rubbing her head and actually scratching a spot on her eyebrow.

'You haven't got a headache have you?' asked Vince, suspicious.

'Um, not, I mean, I'm probably just dehydrated.' She said, getting up for a glass of water. She then realised that it was silly to get up for a glass of water, I mean, it could just as well sit on the table, what did it want with and armchair? She sat back down and drank the water as a punishment for dislodging her.

'Dehydrated?' said Vince, disbelievingly. 'you don't get dehydrated – you're like a cactus!'

'A cactus?' Tara replied with contempt. 'the desert prickler?'

'Yeah, that's who you are, Calvin Cactus and his Hydrated Hoodlums.'

'Calv-' Tara began, but was interrupted by Howard.

'Why is it such a bad thing that you've got a headache? Why can't you just take a paracetamol?'

'Nah, Howard, you don't understand, when Tara gets a headache it means something bad is going to happen.' Vince explained. 'Last time she got one, we were almost eaten alive by this group of cannibals in the jungle, they only let us go when they found out we could both paint, they made us do a load of family portraits on this rock.'

'Howard Moon get your ass into my office pronto!' came Fossils voice over the tannoy.

'You'd better get going, you know how he gets if you do as you're told.' Said Vince

'Do as I'm-? I'm Howard Moon, ok, I move for no man, they call me the statue. I move when I feel ready, I'm like a buzzard, biding my time on a thermal, I-'

'Just go, will ya?'

'Alright' he replied, and left.

'I'd better go see Naboo, he'll know what to do.'

'Lets go then.'

'No way, you're not leaving the safety of this hut! I'm going to see Naboo, I'll be back in a minute, lock the door behind me alright?'

'Lock the door? It's probably nothing, I expect I'm just picking up the weather forecast or something.' She held her hands up to her head as if making a prediction. 'Stormy with a chance of sunshine tomorrow.'

'Thanks Mystic Meg, but I wanna be sure ok?' Vince replied, embracing his role as protective older brother and disappearing through the door, only to reappear at the window. 'lock the door.'

Vince hurried over to Naboo's hut, from which incense smoke was drifting. Upon entering, he found Bollo wearing a frilly pink apron and dusting, while Naboo led on the sofa flicking through some magic supplies catalogues.

'Naboo, ya gotta come quick, its an emergency.'

'Miracle wax is on the top shelf' he replied, without looking up.

'Nah, its Tara, something's wrong'

'What is it?'

'Well I dunno yet, but something will be.'

'What?' Vince explained, and once Naboo was convinced that Tara's headaches always meant something bad they hurried back to the hut. On the way, they were joined by Howard, who informed them that Fossil had wanted him so that they could discuss wallpaper colour schemed.

As they reached the hut door, Bollo said 'I got a bad feeling about this.'

**Oooh, dum-dum-dum! I'm a cliffhanging feind, dangling you on a rod over the chasm of possibility...**

**Hope you liked it, please review, please! Pretty please with sprinkles, silver balls and those jelly diamond things? If the review button wont let you do it (eg 'you have already submitted a review for this chapter' grr grr it s just jealous of my boosh-iness) just PM (personal message) me through my profile, as i do so love getting reviews! thank you!**


	6. Naboo's Plughole Covers

**YAY IT FINALLY UPLOADED! YES! i was so worried, i thought fanfiction just had it in for me, but ITS OK! MY CRAPPY WEEK SEEMS TO HAVE COME TO AN END! ****sorry, that was a lot of capitals. this is a very exciting moment for me.**

**Right, so, story. Oh, I've changed the review settings so you can now leave anonymous reviews. If the stoopid review throttle won't let you leave a signed one, hopefully you can do it this way… if not, just PM me it ok? (you know you wanna).**

**look at my loverlyful review from cookiemunster: **Ok, damn fecking stupid rubbishy reveiw throttle thing is being stupid again so here is the reveiw that it wont let me send:  
Is it wrong for a girl to love a story? It is when she tries tio kiss it when she sees it's been updated!  
oh, you are a spiggin genius as our friends on 'Neighbours' would say if they were real.  
The MOOMINS! My word they are scary! thats why i love them. and i'm not surprised naboo loves them. hehe, fossil loves the apes. well a gorrila in a tutu could send anyone wild!  
i love everything about this. particularly vince in his cute older brother role! the characters are so perfect! love them all to peices especially tara. she's a genius!  
please, please, please update before my last exam next monday. because after that i'll be dead. hehe  
lots of love hannah xyz  
**yay look how loved i am (modesty is not my strong point). i wont bother replying on here becasue i've already emailed back. and if the rest of you (i know you're there btw, i've been checking my stats. i'm omniscient! mwa ha ha ha!) review, you'll get a lovely review reply as well! won't that be nice? ok, ok, i'll get on with the story.**

**In this chapter things start to get a little darker, although I have tried to put in some humour while still keeping the desired tone. Hope you like it! R&R!**

'Tara its us, open up' called Vince. No reply. 'Tara? Tara!'

He started rattling the doorknob, but being the obedient little sibling she was, Tara had locked it.

'Stand aside' said Howard, in his most prized man-of-action voice, as he stepped forwards to kick the door down. This poor attempt having failed, he tried to ram it down with his shoulder as an encore, but ended up in a crumpled and aching heap on the floor. Naboo then stepped up, muttered something under his breath and moved his hands mystically, and the door sprang open.

'Show-off' Howard muttered.

They entered, and it was apparent at once that Tara was no longer there, but Vince called her name and looked for her (the search was very short, because of the small size of the hut, and consisted mostly of looking under the sofa, in the bathroom and in the wardrobe) all the same.

The search being concluded, and the having-to-sit-down-and-have-a-stiff-drink truth being reached, Vince realised that Tara had gone, and decided that it was all his fault. It was him who sent Howard off so sharpish. It was him who had gone to see Naboo, and left her alone. It was him who made her stay in the hut, without protection. It was him. For the first time in a long time, Vince Noir was upset. What's more, he was worried.

Naboo, meanwhile, had been examining some green stuff that had apparently spilled out from the sink and onto the floor.

'What is that? Asked Bollo, appearing beside him.

'This isn't good' he replied, loud enough so that Vince and Howard could hear him.

'Why,' Asked Howard, 'what is it?'

'It's worse than we thought.' Said Naboo, as the camera (had there been one, which there wasn't, so…. never mind…) zoomed in on him. 'This isn't the work of just anyone. I've seen this before. This is the work of Tony The Prawn'

**XXXXXXX**

**FLASHBACK: **Tara locked the door as she was asked, and turned back to the interior of the hut.

'Stupid psychic weather' she muttered, sitting back down on the sofa and switching on the telly. She was quickly distracted however as a loud squelching sound issued forth from the plughole in the kitchen sink.

'What the-?' she said, getting up and venturing over. From the plug rose a swirling, wet, swirly thing (ok, my descriptive skills aren't what they used to be), which landed in front of the sink. Two large figures emerged from it, and advanced toward Tara.

They looked… horrible, and yet a bit naff at the same time. They were large, bulky, mottled and pale, with dark sunken eyes. Think dodgy old sci-fi movie and you'll be there.

Tara, understandably, looked quite appalled. But instead of screaming, or shouting for help, as any normal person would, all she said was 'Blimey, who does your costumes? They're ridiculous!'

At that moment the two beasts lunged forward, grabbed her and were sucked back into the plughole

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

**PRESENT: **'Tony the Prawn?' asked Howard. 'But it can't be him, he's on the run, after he killed those tourists with his psychological devilishness.'

'Its gotta be, I'd recognise his work anywhere. He sends his minions up out of the plugholes to capture people. That's why you should always buy Naboo's plughole covers, stops any freakish crustaceans opening dimensional portals in your bathroom or kitchen, available at a very reasonable price.' Naboo said, holding one up.

'This isn't an advertising opportunity Naboo! What's gonna happen to Tara?' cried Howard (yes, you would've thought it had been Vince wouldn't you? Unfortunately Vince was in a state of shock, and therefore said very little.)

'We- we'd better just get going alright?' replied Naboo. Apparently whatever could happen would not aid their spirits. 'I think Tony's hiding in a different dimension, for every minute that passes here, and hour could pass there, or more. Me and Bollo will go and get the carpet, it'll get us there quicker.'

They went out, and Howard turned to Vince, who was still sat on the edge of the sofa, suddenly looking very beaten and resigned.

'What's the point?' he asked in a very small voice. 'You know what Tony the Prawn's like… and if Tara's already been there hours, there isn't anything we can-'Choked by burning tears of guilt and sorrow, Vince was unable to go on. His little sister. His fault.

Howard sat gently down next to him and offered up a monogrammed handkerchief. 'Hey now, come on Little Man. Tara's a tough little cookie, like a hippy hedgehog with highlights. She'll be ok!'

Vice just shook his head pathetically.

'Stand up.' Howard pulled him upwards and towards a mirror. 'Look at us. And ageing jazz maverick and an electro poof. But we've survived Black frost, the dangers of the jungle, horny Yeti, an evil cockney hitchhiker, stopped Nanageddon and been to Monkey Hell and back. I think we can handle one little prawn, don't you?'

Vince smiled faintly. 'You're right.'

Naboo and Bollo returned, carrying the carpet between them. 'Let's go.' Said Vince grimly.

'Right everyone, we gotta get in and out of there as quick as possible, alright?' Naboo commanded, as he spread the carpet on the floor and they all sat on it. It then began to spin as the portal re-opened and they were sucked through the drain pipes of doom into dimensions unknown.

**Yep, Tony the Prawn is making a comeback. Dum-Dum-Duuuuuummmmm! Don't look in his eyes!**

**And as you might have guessed, this is sorta set as a mix between series 1 and 2 – they're still at the zoo, but they live in the flat and they've had their series 2 adventures.**

**Next chapter up as soon as pos, but homework is beginning to pile up so be patient! xxx**

**PS - I'll try to write a shorter A/N next time. i promise!**


	7. Volume Vince and Tantalising Tara

**Yes, Yes I've finally done it! I've finished the chapter! Huzzah! for it was giving me jip. Thank you thank you thank you to Suuntavaisto and Cookiemunster for reviewing and helping me to get inspired.**

The Journey was long and dark. Each of the four travellers was lost in thought. Vince was still on edge about Tara, and Howard, though worried about her of course, was also concerned about Vince. He'd never seen him like this before, all hunched over, legs pulled up to his chest and head resting on his knees.

Naboo, being a Shaman, had an air of thought impenetrability. He could have been thinking about anything – trampolines, net curtains, how long it would take to pogo from Land's End to John O'Groats…

As a matter of fact, what he was actually thinking was this: _It can't be that much further. But I guess it must be a little way still, I can't pick up Tara's aura yet.. though that could just be a really bad sign. I hope she's still ok. If we don't get to her soon, we might not get her back, not to how she used to be_…

On the other hand, Bollo's thoughts were more along the line of: _I hope we find little Vince soon. Corrie's on at seven…_

Howard, sitting in a cross-legged position that displayed more than one usually would in polite society, looked across at Vince, whose eyes were peering out from beneath his perfectly-coiffed mop of hair like two doorknobs under a cloud of wheat.

'Come on now Little Man. I thought we agreed that Tara was gonna be fine, that we were gonna rescue her?'

'It's not that.' Vince mumbled into his wristband. 'I feel like I let her down. All we've ever really had is each other, especially since we left Brain Ferry's forest. We've always looked out for each other – She drove up from Land's End when I was kidnapped by those groupies that wanted to clone me. As if you could clone this hair. I was the one that came to save her when she was captured by the Oolyaigo, this legendary beast that's made of old cheese curd, it lives in Cheddar Gorge. But she's my little sister, y'know? I was supposed to take care of her, and up til now I was doing pretty well. I helped her pay for the van, I came to sort it out when she got in trouble at school-'

'She got in trouble? When?' Howard interrupted.

'Quite often.' Vince smiled at the memory. 'She was always being told off for drawing stuff when she was s'posed to be working. And once she sorta started a fire…'

Howard looked shocked.

'It wasn't her fault!' Vince replied defensively.

'Whose was it then, Little Johnny Matchsticks?'

'No, there was this Okapi stealing all the couscous from the houses around the school, so she lit a fire to attract them, they like fire because the flames show them the ghosts of the future.'

'Ghosts of the future? What are they, fortune tellers now?'

'Hey, Okapi are one of the great fortune telling animals, they're right up there with the frogs.'

'Frogs?'

'Yeah, they love it. Thing is, it's a bit difficult to get any information out of them.'

'Why's that?' Howard wasn't really interested in fortune-telling amphibians, but he was pleased to see Vince distracted and becoming a bit more like his usual self.

'You ever had a conversation with a frog? They only ever say the beginnings, middles or ends of words. It's like that Monty Python sketch. You have to get three of them together to get any sense out of what they're saying, and even then it's sometimes hard to figure out what they mean, they like being mysterious.'

'Frogs never really struck me as mysterious creatures.' Replied Howard. 'I mean, yeah, owls, Aye-Aye's-'

'What's that Captain?'

'What? Oh, Aye-Aye Vince, like the animal. You think I was doing some feeble pirate impression or something?'

'Well…' Vince, ashamed of his naivety, quickly changed the subject. 'But owls, don't even get me started on owls. They're total frauds, about as mystical as a biro, they try and impress you with stupid facts about the history of scones, they're useless. Mind you, that's just my opinion, I never really get on with birds.'

'That's right, you're small mammals and lizards.'

'Yeah. Tara's more about birds, she gets on great with them, they taught her to sing.'

'She can talk to the animals too then?'

'Course she can, you grow up in the forest, you're surrounded by them. Forest's a dangerous place, if you don't know what's going on you've got no chance.'

'I bet you had a lot of adventures in the forest.'

'We used to. But then Tara went away, so….'

'She went away? Where?'

'Brian Ferry sent her away with Apaya, the old matriarch elephant, so she could learn stuff about the world, science and stuff. That's how she learnt about the herbal remedies, they're all natural and used by the elephants.' Vince looked back down at his knees. 'I really missed her, but she'd always come visit every couple of months or so. And now I don't see her very often, but we still text and email and stuff. If we don't get her back…'

'How many times Vince? We're gonna get her back, we're men of action alright, modern musical heroes. We're like Batman and Robin, only without the lycra.'

Vince smiled, probably at the image of Howard in a cape and little pants. 'When we were little, me and Tara used to dress up as superheroes. Volume Vince and Tantalising Tara.'

As Vince began to tell of Volume Vince and Tantalising Tara's adventures, which ranged from becoming seagulls to building a hut of jigsaw pieces, the carpet continued to glide swiftly along the dark dank tunnels, its occupants were being drawn closer to Tony the Prawn's evil lair. And what they would find there? Well, you'll just have to wait and see…

**Hopefully the next chapter will be up quicker than this one was, i actually have ideas about what i'm gonna write for it. Please review, my little darlings!**


	8. Small Black Crisp

**Oh yes, i'm on a writing roll! two chapters uploaded in as many days! Plus, i'm actually pretty proud of this chapter, so i am a very happy bunny. Please make my day complete by reviewing!**

'… And the llamas all had panic attacks!'

Vince was cut short there as the carpet had just flown into what could be considered to be an entrance hall. It was larger than the tunnels, and had multiple entrances and exits. The walls were dark, and covered with the same substance Naboo had found my the sink. At the far end, two of the creatures which had captured Tara seemed to be involved in a heated discussion about something, so the carpet could glide past unnoticed.

What they were actually arguing about was the use of sound in the space scenes of Star Wars: 'I'm just saying, they pay so much attention to everything else, you think they'd adapt to the fact that space is a vacuum, and therefore has no sound!'

'It's for cinematic effect! It doesn't have to make sense, its willing suspension of disbelief!'

The argument continued as they floated around corners in a very definite manner.

'How d'you know where you're going Naboo?' asked Vince

'I can pick up Tara's aura now, she's close but I can't quite-'

He was cut off as they rounded another corner and entered a room full of glass walls, with small rooms beyond. All but one of these rooms were unoccupied. As for the other…

'Tara!' cried Vince, leaping off of the carpet while it was still in motion, caring not a bit for the state of his clothes.

He rushed over, closely followed by the others, to Tara, who was hunched in the corner, looking decidedly smaller than usual, and considerably scruffier too. Her face was dirty, and her eyes fluttered open briefly as Vince knelt next to her. But they weren't like her eyes usually were, lively and sparkling with humour, instead they were empty, like the great hatbox of life, which contains but one lowly mitten.

'What's wrong with her?' Vince exclaimed, beginning to panic.

'Oh, I was hoping it wouldn't have got this far yet, she must have been here longer than we thought.' Said Naboo. 'It's the effect that Tony the Prawn's having on her, I can bring her back when we get home, but we gotta hurry.'

In Tara's hands was a scrap of paper. Vince prised it free, and read it. It said simply: '_About time! Eyes.'_

'What's that supposed to mean?' asked Vince.

'Well, I guess it means that there's something important to do with Tony the Prawn's eyes.'

Vince thought for a second then exclaimed 'Contacts!'

'Excuse me?'

'I bet Tony the Prawn wears contact lenses! Coloured ones!'

'What are you talking about?'

'Well, think about it. His eyes are his most prominent feature yeah, black like that tiny crisp you always find in Walkers packets? If word got out that his eyes weren't naturally black, he'd be ruined! Followers walking out all over the place, like when Jimmy Carr enters a room!'

Howard looked at him. 'You're an idiot.'

'Did you ever think that maybe his eyes are the key to his power Vince? And that if we destroy them, we destroy him?' Asked Naboo.

'Exactly! We destroy his eyes, which destroy his contacts…'

'Just shut up and help will ya?' said Howard, trying to pick up Tara.

Bollo bent down to help him. 'Bollo carry' he said, lifting Tara with ease and carrying her over his shoulder.

'Careful!' said Vince, again careering into 'worry mode' for the safety of his little sister.

'Is ok.' Bollo replied. 'When we were young, I carry Chinko up big hill, but always he say 'please Bollo, please let us go up further', so one day, I chuck him over edge.' Vince suddenly looked very alarmed. 'I not do that now.' Bollo reassured him.

'What do we do now then?' Asked Howard.

'I think we should get back as soon as possible, before we're noticed.' Replied Naboo hurriedly.

'And I'd say that it was a little too later for that' said a voice behind them.

They wheeled around and beheld more of the henchmen that had taken Tara (though of course they didn't know this). The one in front leered at them, making his face look like it was trying to pull itself free from his skull.

'You've been called to go and see the master.' He said, smiling cruelly, before escorting them out.

As they walked, Bollo said to Naboo 'I got a bad feeling about this.'

'You've always got a bad feeling Bollo. Don't you ever say anything positive, maybe get a more optimistic outlook?' Naboo replied, receiving only a grunt in reply.

They were guided though many tunnels and emerged in a chamber with a throne in it. A throne with the dreaded prawn in. He began to speak in a cold, rasping voice.

'_Ah, so the older brother has come to the rescue. How touching.' _Vince glared stonily back. '_I recognise the tall one too. And who are your friends?'_

'I'm Naboo, that's who, this is Bollo. What are you playing at, kidnapping Tara?'

'_So that's the pretty little thing's name is it?' _said Tony, getting up and scuttling about. He had grown considerably since his days at the zoo, and seemed to emanate power. '_I'm actually quite glad you came, it means I'll have to capture fewer other people. Not that I don't enjoy it of course.' _He turned towards them, wriggling his antenna.

'_You see, I hated my days at that despicable zoo. The only pleasure I could derive from my measly existence was manipulating visitors into doing.. mmm, all sorts of things.' _He said with relish.

'_But I grew bored. So, when I had the opportunity, I escaped. And now here I am, back in my own dimension, starting a zoo of my very own, so as to show my captors what a horrible existence it is. I will collect humans from all over the world, and I chose to start with your little sister. Aren't you proud?'_

Vince arched his back and had a look on his face that made him appear to be about to explode with anger. Howard managed to hold him back, as Tony spoke again.

'_My zoo will be open for animals from all walks of life, especially those who have been forced to live in zoos. And once they have seen my plan, I shall invoke them to rise up and join me in imprisoning all humans!'_

'But the animals like their life in the zoo! Why should they follow you?' Asked Howard.

'_They don't like it!' _Tony snapped back_. 'Its an awful existence, being on display all day, trapped in a tank, or a cage or a pit with nothing to do but stare back at anyone who comes to visit'_

'That not true.' Said Bollo. 'Bollo love life at zoo – Bollo have bed, all the bananas he can eat, free satellite…. All animals at Zooniverse love it, watch Will and Grace at feeding time…'

'_That's enough!' _Tony turned away and muttered something to a waiting guard, giving Naboo chance to talk to the others.

'Right, we need to destroy his eyes, anyone got anything sharp?'

'Tweezers?' Asked Vince. 'I carry them for emergencies.'

'You pluck your eyebrows?' asked Howard.

'I shape them' Vince replied.

'Perfect, hand 'em over' said Naboo.

'No way, I'm doing it.' Said Vince, determined.

'Fair enough.' Naboo replied, then proceeded to tell them the plan.

When Tony turned back around, it was to see Vince advancing towards him, flanked but Howard and Bollo. Naboo had stayed back to look after Tara.

'_Stop!' _commanded Tony, and this did temporarily halt them, but Vince's determinism fought back against Tony's power, and won. He advanced further, accompanied by Howard and Bollo, who fought back the henchmen.

'_No!'_ cried Tony, but it was too late. Vince was upon him, and stabbed the tweezers into his eyes.

Next to Naboo, Tara began to stir. 'Shhh, it's alright.' He whispered, as she looked blearily up at him.

'Hi Naboo.'

'Alright?' he smiled.

'Dandy.' She turned over and fell back out of conscious, as Vince, Howard and Bollo hurried back towards them.

'Is she ok?' Asked Vince.

'She'll be ok, but we'd better be going.' He replied, whistling for something. The next moment the flying carpet came sailing round the corner and stopped in front of them.

'Wow,' said Howard. 'I didn't know it could do that.'

'Its enchanted with the spirit of Dumbo.'

'Wow.'

They loaded Tara onto the carpet and then climbed on themselves. As they began to float out of the horrible dimension, they passed many guards who were rather confused, having just recovered from being under Tony the Prawn's thrall. One of them walked up to the body (which had been brutally torn apart) and noticed a small black disk lying next to a leg. Picking it up, he said quietly to himself 'Contacts?'

**A lesson to us all - pay attention to Vince's insane ramblings. The man speaks the truth.**


	9. Lorraine Kelly to the rescue!

**Yep, the new chapter is finally up. It's not particularly integral to the plot, but i wanted to put it in because... well if you must know, i wanted to make the chapters up to a nice even 10. That's right, the next chapter will be the last!**

On the journey back, Vince sat with Tara pulled up close to him, his arms wrapped protectively around her, his eyes glaring out at anything that moved.

'Are you ok Vince?' asked Howard tentatively.

_Stupid Question Howard. _Thought Vince. _My little sister, my only family, has just been kidnapped by an evil crustacean, and is now lying unconscious in my arms. I'm about as ok as a Penguin lost along the Gulf Stream._

'Yeah.'

'Only you look a little…'

_Leave me alone Howard. I don't wanna talk. I can't, until I know she's ok._

'I'm fine. How much further Naboo?'

'Shouldn't be too far. I'm taking us straight up to the flat, so I can revive Tara as soon as possible.'

_It had better be soon enough. I hate seeing Tara like this, all small and quiet. Last time she was like this.._

Vince mentally shook his head. He didn't want to think about that. Anyway, he should be focusing on this, making sure Tara got back alright and was ok. He had no doubt of Naboo's Shamanic skill, nor the fact that he was getting them home as soon as was possible, but he still worried.

He looked down at Tara, whose head was lying on his chest. He shifted a little so as to make her more comfortable, and gently stroked her hair. _I wish I was the younger one, and you were older. I know you'd take much better care of me than I do of you. _

He rested his head on hers and closed his eyes, staying that way for the rest of the journey.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

They emerged back at the flat through the kitchen plughole (luckily Bollo had removed the plughole cover earlier and forgotten to replace it), and came to an abrupt halt. Vince carried Tara over to the sofa while Naboo went to get whatever potion he needed. He returned quickly with a bottle filled with lime green liquid.

'What's that?' Asked Howard.

'The most powerful revitalising potion know to mankind. Made with the saliva of Lorraine Kelly.' Naboo replied, administering a small dose to Tara, who stirred, but didn't wake.

'What's going on, why didn't it work!' exclaimed Vince.

'Relax, I didn't want to overdose her.' Said Naboo. 'This ought to do it.'

He gave her another small dose, and she woke up spluttering. Vince immediately threw his arms around her, and the force of this caused them both to fall back onto the sofa.

'Vince? What's going on?'

'Shhh, it's alright.' Vince finally realised that by lying on top of his sister, he was making it rather difficult for her to breath, and sat up.

Tara looked around at the others, all of whom were staring at her in an expectant sort of way. 'Someone remind me?' she requested.

'Kidnapped by Tony the Prawn?' suggested Naboo.

'Oh right, yeah.' She nodded vaguely. 'How'd you get me back? Tony said it was impossible to leave alive.'

'We escaped with some of the best tweezer work I've seen in a long time.' Smiled Howard, patting Vince on the back.

'Eh?' said Tara, with the feeling she'd missed out on something.

'I killed him' explained Vince. 'Stabbed him in his prawny eyes with me tweezers'

'You're still plucking then?'

'_Shaping_, I _shape_, why can't anyone understand this?'

As Tara and Vince began to bicker, both glad that they were re-united, Howard picked up the revitalising potion and examined it. The label said _Naboo's Energy Elixir. _

'How do you get all these ingredients off celebrities Naboo?'

'I can transform into a firefly and get whatever I need in the night when they're asleep. Celebrity elements are better to use because they last longer, as the celebrity strives to sustain their career.'

'Hmm.' Murmured Howard, turning round to see Vince and Tara curled up together on the sofa. He smiled.

**Sweet little re-united scene, table five! Hope you liked the random and irrlevant-ness of that, please review!**


	10. Goodbye

**Well, here it is, the last chapter. Argh, this is hard, i don't wanna finish, i've loved writing this fic! Thank you so so so so much to Cookiemunster, who has been faithfully reviewing from the very start and has become a firm friend in the process. Thank you also to Suuntavaisto for her lovely reviews, and FuchsiaII, who i haven't heard from since chapter 2 but i still appreciate.**

**i have loved writing this and getting reviews so much that i am sure i will soon have another story up here, possibly about Vince, Tara, Howard, Naboo and Bollo taking a trip to France (what do you think? fic-worthy?) so keep an eye out.**

Tara stayed on with Howard, Vince, Naboo and Bollo for another week or so. Most days she would go to the Zooniverse with them, but sometimes she would stay at the flat with Bollo, who would regale her with stories of his childhood with Chinko. One day Vince skived off work to take her shopping, where they each bought a pirate outfit, Vince bought a pair of inflatable lips and Tara bought some spices to help the boys with their cooking.

But eventually the time came when Tara felt that it was time to move on, so Vince, Howard and Bollo assembled in the car park to see them off. Naboo and Tara were up on the carpet, as Tara had been unconscious during her previous ride, and wanted the experience.

They were stood next to the van, and were waiting long enough for Howard to notice that there had been few new additions to it. Right at the front, in pride of place it seemed, were the Zooniverse and the sofa at the flat. But also, behind the back wheel on the left, was a small picture of a prawn and a plughole. When Howard mentioned this to Vince, he smiled and said 'Yep, doesn't matter how much of a terrible time she had somewhere, it still gets put on the van. Butlins is painted on the exhaust pipe look.'

Soon after, Naboo and Tara landed beside them, both looking rather windswept.

'How was it?' asked Vince.

'Aw it was amazing, just like being in Aladdin! I almost broke into 'A whole new world''

'Almost?' asked Naboo incredulously.

'Shut up, you didn't have to join in' Tara laughed. She looked around at them. 'Well then….'

'Yeah'

Tara turned to Bollo. 'Bollo,' she said, hugging him. 'Stay cool, man.'

'You too.' he nodded.

'Bye Naboo.' She said, turning to hug him too. 'If you're ever up on the carpet and not busy, come find me alright?'

'Course.'

She turned to Howard. 'Howard… good luck with Gideon.'

He smiled. 'Thanks.' They hugged. 'Have fun in Cornwall.'

'I will.'

She turned finally to Vince, and didn't say anything at first, just threw her arms around him. She whispered in his ear, 'I heard what you said on the carpet. You take wonderful care of me.'

Vince was momentarily amazed that she could have heard his thoughts, and wondered about her psychic powers stretching past headaches, but then he thought that it didn't really matter, and so just squeezed her tightly.

They pulled apart and smiled at each other. 'See ya Vince.'

'I'll see ya. Take care of yourself alright?'

'Do I have to?' He smiled. 'I'll call you about France ok?' she asked as she got into the van and started it up. Her eyes glistened as she waved through the window, and drove out of the zoo gates, flashing the V-sign sign out of the rear window as she went.

Smiling at this spectacle, they turned and headed back towards the zoo compound.

'Well, it'll certainly be quieter around here without Tara around, won't it?' asked Howard.

Bollo stopped and shook his head. 'What a cliché.'

As Vince smiled, Naboo laughed and Howard got offended, Bob Fossil's voice rang out across the zoo.

'Get back to work!'

_Fin_

**There we go. Please reivew, even if you haven't for any of the other chapters, i do so love to hear what you think.**

**Smell the Vision. xxx**


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